The Strangest Parody
by magik-blood
Summary: The parody in which the Whelp returns to annoy all, the Spaniard decides to read Breaking Dawn, Angelica Mary-Sue is introduced, Norrington is resurrected, and Black Beard's naughty naughty past is revealed.
1. Ch 1

This movie has literally become a problem for me.

**All rights go to the magnificently talented writers of Stranger Tides and to Disney. Any and all Arrested Development references could not be avoided by the authoress. Sorry. **

* * *

><p>*Cue dramatic and dark music*<p>

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

_Get rich, or die trying…_

_I mean live forever, or die trying…_

A small merchant ship gently rocked back and forth almost being hidden by the dark night sea.

*Audience* Man, the Black Pearl sure isn't what is used to be.

The crew, made up of two men, cranked a net out of the ink-like water.

The net then fell to the deck where out fell a stingray, manatee, and a star fish-

"I want to be with you FOREVER!" exclaimed the exuberant sea star before the man chucked it back into the gloomy waters.

And then, oh then, the dramatic reveal is … relieved. The net didn't only include talking sea creatures but a man.

A man old as shite.

"Hey, there's a freaking dead guy in here!" exclaimed the alarmed sea man, who is apparently a resident of the New Jersey area.

"Not likely," says the other man, the Captain, then at his mate's side as they both stared over the motionless old man. "That guy's not dead."

The first mate frowned, "Uhh, I think he is. There's no way you could survive this… look," he then kneeled next to the sea weathered body, "don't tell me that even the bravest, most sea faring soul, could read this… and not jump ship himself."

The sailor moved the unconscious man's bead out of the way to present a book he was clutching. The Captain, though a willing and fearless sea man, turned his face away to hide his grimace of pure terror. The title of the book; _Breaking Dawn._

"My Gods!" cried the Captain, "That book doesn't exist for about another two-hundred-and-fifty years!"

The seaman stood up somberly, "I know Captain. These be… stranger tides."

*Cue more dramatic music*

The Captain looked to his mate oddly then, "Sailor, you just said the title of the movie… don't you think that a bit hasty?"

The man crossed his arms, frowned, and shook his head, "Naww, mate. Y'see, there's no mention of the title in this whole movie. At least with the three others there was a hint of a reference to the film." The man made a small laugh accompanied with a shrug, "Think I just saved the audience **a lot **of confusion!"

*Audience* Think again.

"What?" asked the Captain, "This can't be any more confusing than _Dead Man's Chest _or _At World's End_!"

"That's the thing, mate. People won't stop their bitching about how hard those sequels were to follow. My own grandmother understood those movies… she's ninety-five… hasn't left her house in eighty years… I had to explain to her what a TV was first."

"Son, you aren't making a lick of sense tonight."

*Cue MORE eerie dramatic music*

The two men look over their shoulders, wondering why so much dramatic music is being played.

"Sorry," the first mate finally said after a long silence of starring at the man, "I've… indulged a bit before this."

"Mate, I thought you understood me the first time. None of that when you're on the job. This is a small ship! We don't make much business as it is!"

"Sorry sir, it was only a couple of lines…"

*Music that is DRAMATIC*

"Will you stop with that god damned- wait!" exclaimed he Captain grabbing his mate's arm and looking down to the old man, "I saw the body… shift."

Just then, the thought-to-be-corpse lunged toward the men who proceed to scream like small girls.

*Audience* throws pop corn into the air, jumps out of seat, and continues to make sure everyone else thought they just had an itch… or small seizure… or… something.

The story continues, after lingering far too long on a couple of minute characters, we are introduced to the royal city of Cadiz found in Spain.

¡SÍ, Cadiz!

*Cue Mexican hat dancing music*

Cadiz, where the sun is hot, but the women are hotter. Where the people hate magical waters. Where the men look like rejects from the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.

The old man is brought to this particular city to tell his wondrous story to the King. A story filled with enchantment and adventure. Unfortunately, after the fragile old man who spent, eh, probably 500 years floating around in the sea, was dragged through the near by village and into the grand palace; he wasn't doing so hot.

As the King leaned in closely to the elderly man, all he had energy to whisper is; "Ponce de Leon." That was when he unfortunately croaked.

The King frowned deeply before straightening his back. He, with his serious expression looked to the other mustached men who gathered there in the center of the palace.

"What did he say about… my pants?" asked the King, his angered voice carrying through the large room.

The men proceeded to exchange nervous glances.

"You bring me this old fool to criticize me? Here I was expecting someone to share in my love of old westerns, but _noooo_! All I get is a dead _hombre_, thanks a lot assholes!"

Finally, one man proved brave enough to stand up to the King, "Um, Sir, I think he said Ponce de Leon. The rumored explorer who was rumored to have rumordley found the also rumored Fountain of Youth."

The King frowned once again, but this time, it was a pensive and thoughtful frown. Apparently, it was the only expression he could be bothered to make.

"Ahhh. Now it all makes sense," he says with a nod as he began pace around the now certainly dead man.

"It… does?" asked another mustached Spanish man.

"_SÍ_, look what we have here."

The King removed the book from the dead man's grip. The men revolted in disgust.

"_El_ _Diablo's _pleasure…" hissed one man darkly.

"It should burn," cried another while the rest only cried.

There was only one mysterious man in the room who went unaffected by the cursed book. The most Spanishy man in the room. So Spanishy in fact, he went only by one name; The Spaniard.

This man grabbed the cursed, yet, somehow top selling book, from the King's grasp.

"This man was not questioning your_ pantalones_! He was sent here from_ Dios_! The Fountain is real!" The Spaniard proclaimed.

He then opened to the back of the book where a cryptic symbol could be seen. The picture depicted a stick figure man holding two cups next to a crudely drawn nude mermaid, and… most baffling of all… he was exclaiming the phrase, "Imma b livn 4evar!"

The Spaniard, after viewing this, snapped the book closed and stated that he and a crew will sail… with the tide.

*The Mexican hat dancing music now ends*

Moving on!

*Audience* is relieved.

Jolly old London, England where nobody seems too keen on Pirates. Also, it appears that Londoners only hobby, at this time in history, is to watch criminals being hanged.

And how disappointed they get when there is no violent acts to keep their attention!

This is obvious when we enter a crowded, rowdy, courtroom, where a hooded man is being hauled into room to be held on trial for… piracy.

After his crimes (numerous in quantity, sinister in nature) have been read aloud to the courtroom, the man is accused to be none other than Jack Sparrow.

*Sarcastic!Audience* Woah. You got us POTC writers. That is soooo Jack Sparrow.

"Gibbs!" proclaims the now unmasked Mr. Gibbs. "I told ye a hundred times, the name's Joshamee Gibbs!"

The accusing man only laughs, "Ha! What sort of name is Joshamee? Besides, we can't actually trust the people locked up here. Do you know what would happen of we believed the lies these men tell us?"

"But this isn't a lie! I've been wrongly accused!"

"Hush hush!" snapped the man, "Enough of your horse manure. Send in the one man we can all trust, Judge Smith!"

The room stands for the… oddly eyeliner clad… Judge.

The Judge takes his seat, Gibbs can't help but stare baffled at the man before him.

"Jack?" questions Gibbs.

*Audience* well no shit.

"Shut up!" whispered the supposed Judge Smith before going on with what he was supposed to say. All the while he was careful to hide his face with a handkerchief.

"Being that you are Captain Jack Sparrow, one of the most feared, respected, and just plain _sexy _pirates of today, I think it only fit that you hang by the neck!" proclaimed the judge to get cheers from the courtroom and a cry from Gibbs.

"I'm not Jack Sparrow!" he yelled to the room, "But I would be happy to point him out… _douche bag_," he was careful to mumble that last part.

The Judge leaned forward then, "No you won't! I'm the Judge! Judge Smith... or Smithy, if you'd like. Mr. Smith if you're nasty-"

"On with it!" shouted a man from the room, getting about ten others to quickly agree.

The Judge shook his head, clearing his thoughts, "Though… I really shouldn't sentence you to death."

Gibbs sighed a breathe of relief, "There you go. Finally some sense!"

"Buuut it would make such a good story. Think about how it would look on paper, _Captain Jack Sparrow Rises From the Grave! Captain Jack Sparrow: The New Jesus Christ!_"

Gibbs glared to the judge, "Have you ever even read the Bible?"

"No but I've seen that musical. Lloyd Webber is a genious!"

Gibbs frowned as Jack began to rehearse the chorus to Jesus Christ Superstar. The others were too confused to think up a statement.

"I hate you!" Gibbs said interfered, "We are no longer friends. I'll never share in our 'give nothing back' phrase ever again."

"Well good because I've already forgotten it!" Jack cleverly retorted.

Then, they were interrupted by an impatient towns man, "So what is it then? Will he hang or no?"

"Yeah!" added another civilian, "On with it all ready!"

The Judge glanced back to Gibbs before he seemed to way his options. Then, almost without showing the slightest care, he made his decision.

"Fine. One life in prison for Jack Sparrow!"

He then quickly made his leave from the vegetable chucking crowd.

As the "Judge" walks down the hall, he begins to shed his wig, glasses, and rob proving that he is… Captain Jack Sparrow after all.

After thanking the true Judge, who was all tired up in the closet for the trail, Jack made his way outside.

*Audience* do you think Jack had a bit of fun with him while he was tied up? …Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me…

There outside waited a line of ne'er-do-well pirates, one by one they were being shuffled into a carriage. Jack stepped into line just in time to be thrown into a cart with the man whom he had almost sentenced to death. Shiz was about to get awk.

After the doors were slammed shut and the carriage jolted forward, Jack couldn't help but remark upon the death glares his once best mate was giving him.

"What? I just saved your arse back there!"

Gibbs still kept his poker face, "You almost killed me! After all this time. Sequel after sequel of me being there just when you needed it! What do I get?"

Jack frowned, "When were you ever there for me? Actually come to think of it, when did you ever add to the plot of any movie?"

Gibbs thought for a long moment, "Oh, I got it, Curse of the Black Pearl, I was the one who put together that crew in Tortuga! And I'm always there to explain to everyone what the bloody hell is going."

"Alright , alright," said Jack waving a hand, "I guess you're sort of helpful. But back to what's happening now. I've bribed the driver to take us to shore. We'll of course have to change our names, start all over again. I'll be Nate Berkus, you'll go simply by; Sideburns. Answer to nothing else. Now… what say you about… male prostitution?"

"JACK!" cried a horrified Gibbs, "What are you _talking _about?"

"Look it's a lucrative business, and there's no shame in putting out for some coin, aye?"

"YES! I thought- I heard rumor that you'd be looking for a crew tonight. A crew to find the Fountain of Youth! Isn't _that _your plan?" asked Gibbs making it clear how uncomfortable Jack's idea made him.

"What a viciously false rumor!"

"You mean… you don't plan on going after the Fountain?"

"I just told you my plan, Sideburns!"

"Don't call me that! I'm not following that plan. Wouldn't it be a bit more exciting going after immortality? You know, keep the theme of the previous three films going?"

Jack was quiet for a moment, "Gibbs, seeing that I do need a ship, and that this imposter could be ruining me good name. Who knows, the lying sod could have the clap. Don't want some fine lady refusing to bed me just because some other fool decided to infect half of Britain."

"Jack, if people thinking you've got Chlamydia is what you're so worried about... Well it's far too late for that."

Just then, the doors of the carriage opened to reveal they were not at the shore, but the Royal Palace.

Jack jumped out of the carriage and sauntered straight into trouble. As he looked around, he saw that had been surrounded by armed British guards. At the Royal Palce.

*Audience* Facepalms.

Jack was racking his brain, trying to think up one of his grand escapes that only he could pull off…

Uh, sorry that's the next scene.

Jack is hit over the head with a rifle and dragged away into the awaiting palace.

*Next Scene*

Inside a grand room within the palace, Jack is seated before a large table filled with deliciousness that he can only stare at from his chair where his arms and legs are bound in chains.

He glanced around the room, conspicuously forming a detailed (and highly unrealistic) plot in his head.

*Authoress* Hey! He does plan it all out! Or perhaps only sometimes when desserts are added into the equation…

Rocking his chair forward, he inched closer to the table. When he finally got close enough though, he found that the King and a few of his men were on their way into the room.

In what is seen as a major epic fail to the audience, Jack kicks the table sending a cream pastry into the air. The pasty is then impaled onto an extravagant chandelier.

*Cream Pastry* Yipeeee! I'm foreshadowing in a way! But don't get your hopes up. I may be the only poetic literature devise in the movie. *Sad Cream Pastry*

Anyways. Jack is introduced to the King, whom he apparently has never heard of.

"Sorry, that name isn't ringing any bells… but you do look so very familiar. Have I threatened you before?"

*Audience* CALL BACK CALL BACK CALL BACK! EVERYONE SAID THERE WEREN'T ANY CALL BACKS, THERE'S A CALL BACK!

"He is King George, for heaven's sake!" cried a small man that stood beside where the King sat.

Jack didn't seem settled with this answer, "No no no… that's not it. _Shit!_ This is really going to bother me!"

"Well that is too bad," began the same elderly man, "let us move onto the task at hand. Captain Sparrow, we have come to learn that you are in possession of-"

"Vernun Dudley!" exclaimed Jack pointing to the king, "That's it! Vernon, what the hell are you doing here?"

The King and his men went on looking rather un-amused.

"Come on now mate," Jack went on, "You've got to let me out of these shackles. It's my dream to at least act out the scene where Harry's at the zoo…"

"Fine!" yelled the King, "Just as long as it gets him to shut the f-ck up."

Against their better judgment, the guards behind Jack unlocked his chains. They fell with numerous loud clinks to the ground.

Jack proceeded to quote Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in his best young Harry impression that sounded dreadfully off.

"I swear I don't know. One minute the glass was there and then it was gone. It was like magic!"

'Vernon' the King glared to Jack before unemotionally uttering, "There's no such thing as magic."

"Oi, that was really good!" said Jack while helping himself to some of the sweets on the table, "Danielle isn't around is he?"

"Mister Sparrow!" began the King's assistant having no more patience left for the pirate.

"Captain," corrected Jack quickly.

"Captain or whatever," barked the King, "I am informed you have come to London to procure a crew for your ship."

Jack shook his head, "That's not true. Actually I-"

"We don't care!" interrupted the King, "You're to guide a British expedition to the Fountain of Youth, and that is FINAL! Bring in the plot twist!"

And in walked Hector Barbossa; the once feared pirate, now one-legged privateer for the crown and glory of England.

Jack backed away a bit, but didn't let his slightly frightened emotion show in his face, "Hector! You look… pretty crappy."

"Why thankee Jack, I be trying the new I just died this morning look… and a whole lot of other things made completely inaudible by me salty, piratey, yarr yarr, accent."

"Do tell old mate, how's the Pearl?"

"She's at the bottom of the ocean, bitch!"

Jack, in a wild fit of rage, lunges at Barbossa throwing himself over the table. Quickly, the pirate is pulled back.

*Fan girls* Jack's _so _passionate!

"You bastard! If it were a proper sinking, you'd be down there with her. Didn't you see _Titanic_?"

Jack, obviously hurt, continues to listen to the others going on about the Fountain.

"… do you understand Captain Jack Sparrow?" asks the King's assistant.

Jack looked up to the others, "I understand everything, except why your guards are so weak."

He proceeded to slap the two guards, and they proceeded to become so bewildered by it, that they let him escape from their grasp.

*Cue PIRATES theme music!*

*Audience* oooh, we know what this means! Epic action sequence!


	2. Ch 2

*Cue PIRATES theme music!*

*Audience* Oooh, we know what this means! Epic action sequence! Or... time to space out for around three minutes and contemplate what the exact age difference between you and Johnny is... and what the law is over in France says about underage relationships.

Jack did a whole bunch of technical stunts. He through a chair out the window! He defeated the guards! He got his pastry that was once foreshadowing!

He escaped the palace all by pulling off stunts that only our witty Jackiepoo could. These stunts include hiding under a table to confuse the ultra smart and imperviously strong guards.

*Jack* Mad skillz. I've got 'em.

Finally, Jack spotted his escape. No. Not an legitimate exit because, let's be honest now, that would have been shit boring.

*Jack* Oi, the truth is, I gave up on doors sometime after the third movie. I find it to be much more dangerous. Bitchez love daring rogues.

And with that, Jack was gone. And just in time too. Just as he slid out the window, those witty guards came around the corner. Knowing the tricky Captain's lack of enthusiasm for doors, (word seemed to travel incredibly fast back in the 16th century) they peaked out the window.

This is where our favorite effeminate Captain found himself in a bit of a pickle.

A banner was hung from just below the window and ran across the road to the building on the opposite side. It was an elegant banner because, as you all know, it was fact that London was always blowing money on fanciful banners. But I digress.

*Dipshit audience member* Should we b taking notezz? Wit all dese true faxx, I think I'll skip History 2day :DDD

As Jack held onto the banister for his life, the guard sights feel upon him. The Englishman then revealed his sword from its sheath.

*Indiana Jones fan* Hang on Lady, we going for a ride!

*The rest of the audience* Doesn't get the relevance of that quote.

The banner begins to be hacked at, Jack shakes his head in hopes the guard will have mercy. He doesn't though, but not to fear, witty Jack has a plan; hold on tight and hope to hell the writers don't remember the basic laws of physics. Good thing for old Jack, lady luck was on his side. Her... and writers who assume the _Pirates_ audience is made up of people who desire to see Jack fly through the air. Many, many times.

*Single audience member jumps to feet* YEAH! YOU GO JACK! *begins to cry* you marvelous flying squirrel you...

Ah, and even better for Jack, he is thrown directly into a carriage. This one's got Judie Dench- no. Wait. This is _definitely_ not Judie Dench. Where the hell is she?

*Judie Dench* apparently realized she – an accomplished actress – had been cast in a _Pirates_ movie. She would like to apologize for the last minute notice and inconvenience in having to pull a woman off the streets to take her part.

*Note to Judie Dench* There were no woman on the street nearby. We had to resort to a local advanced treatment for hoarders shelter.

P.S- F you. So hard.

Alright... back to the action!

Jack is thrown into a carriage with a random upper crust lady with an apparent penchant for murderers. And perhaps cats. Many cats. And potato chips. Yeah. A lot of chips. Perhaps also those plastic shoes with the holes. The ones that wearers claim are "so gosh darn comfortable." Yeah, I bet she loves those.

Jack, landing in the seat opposite to her, could only stare to the girl for a long... terrifying... moment.

In realizing a sexy man has just fallen into her carriage, the woman's face lit up with sudden glee.

"Oh my!" she gasped in a ecstatic, high pitched, shriek, "What am I to do? A miraculously handsome rogue! In my carriage! Good lawd, this doesn't happen often."

As he continued to stare, Jack reached out a hand, "I'm terribly sorry, Madam. I was just, er, leaving-"

She suddenly leaned toward him, leaving only a foot to spare, "Isn't this how you highway men do it? Pick on us beautiful young, innocent, virginal, fair, young ladies? Aren't you going to rob me then... take me?" she said, all the while her tongue finding its way across her lips in what must have been an attempt to seduce the pirate.

Jack, being pinned to the back of his seat, gulped before putting that wit of his to use.

"No, please. If I may just make my leave," he cried, leaning as far back as he could, as far away from her face as possible.

She frowned then and slowly backed away from him, "I see. No one ever drops into my carriage planning on staying for long any way... Sure they come by, but it's always the same after a few friendly words," she mumbled looking to the floor.

Jack, the sympathetic soul he is, couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt.

"Alright luv, what exactly is it... you want from me? And if you wouldn't mind making it brief, I've got these men on my-"

"That's what they all tell me, you know!" she cried, "Make it brief, I've got a funeral to go to. I've got to get me cat fitted for his suit! Yeah, he's gonna be in my sister's wedding!" he nodded, pretending very hard to care. "They're handing out free dead rats down the street..." she said in a shrill mocking voice, "I mean free _live_ rats. Who hands out dead rats? That's preposterous! Anyway, I've really got to go... to that rat thing. Yeah," she concluded with hatred in her voice, "I've heard all the excuses."

"Right, well... what is it you want me to do for you? Take your bloody time," he decided to whisper that last part to himself.

At this, she perked back up again, "Yes, I want you... to steal from me!" she added a purely annoying squeak after this grand revelation.

With a wince, Jack accepted the hand that cruel fate had dealt him.

"Alright then," he said with a shrug before leaning closer, "could be worse I s'ppose."

She giggled blissfully as Jack, quickly as possible, snatched an earring from her ear.

The lady continued to laugh to herself as Jack sat back in his chair. At lest one good thing had came of this day, he thought to himself feeling the jewelry in his hand.

Out of curiosity, he glanced to what he held in his hand. He noticed it was a dangling earring that had the phrase "I love Edward Cullen" embedded in a black heart.

At first he was taken back, one thought kept repeating in his mind, until he gathered the nerve to say it aloud.

"The devil," he mumbled in a hushed whisper.

After starring at it for another half second, he realized in regret he wouldn't be able to get a single shilling for it, being it was made of plastic. And didn't exist in the 16th century. So he ate it.

"May I make my leave now?" he asked hopeful.

"Yes!" she squealed bobbing up and down, "Would you like my driver to pull over?"

"No, no, dear. I'd much prefer to jump out of this carriage, climb on top, and sort of leap from moving object to moving object. It's much more daring... and generally would distract the audience from how strange this very scene was."

"Ahh," she said with a nod, "Good luck with that."

"Thankee. So... ta."

Just as he was about the lean out the window and make his escape, she once again, stopped him.

"You'll remember me, won't you?"

Jack glanced to the earring in his grasp, then back to he woman, "Is this authoress trying to make sort of... foreshadowing between you and I? I thought the pastry was a far as that went…"

She only smiles meekly to him, so wide, she looked to be in pain.

With a shrug, Jack left realizing if he stayed for a moment long, things could actually become weirder.

He opened the door and heaved himself upon the roof of the carriage.

*Pirate theme ends now* *Cue Wipe Out*

*Dipshit audience member* Boy, I can't wait to buy this soundtrack. I pre-ordered it!1!

Jack, as revealed by himself only a moment ago, climbs on top of the carriage and jumps from moving object to moving object. The same audience member who loves to see Jack fly through the air has an aneurism at this point, and the rest most likely go back to that previous thought of planning their and Johnny's wedding.

After Jack successfully eludes most of those darn smart English guards, he jumps off of the last carriage he had found his way onto, clinging on to a questionable sign for a tavern.

*Creepy man sitting next to you* hahahahaha. Tits.

After a moment of comic relief, Jack jumps to the ground. But, we see that he is not out of the words yet. He turns after hearing the sound of a gun being cocked.

"Oi," he begins at the sight of the single guard, "the bloody hell did you come from, mate?"

The young man looks up over the barrel of his gun, "They call me Bert Bigmouth McSlowshot. The one English guard that won't be fooled by the gimmicks of a perpetually drunken pirate! The one English guard that isn't a _twat_! The one English guard that often listens to Susan Boyle, on his off days that is. The one English guard that is ashamed to admit he's cried himself to sleep some nights. Can you imagine the sights someone like I has seen? The utter disgust! Seriously, sometime I get stains that don't come out for-"

At that moment, Bert Bigmouth McSlowshot, was shot.

*The Wipe Out music ends abruptly*

Too relieved to really care who pulled the trigger, Jack almost just turned back the way he came, as if nothing had happened. But, it was then that a figure stepping out of the shadows caught his eye.

There, blowing on his smoking gun was Keith- er I mean, Captain Teague.

"Dad!" exclaimed Jack.

Teague staggered forward clumsily putting away his pistol... and then concealing his gun he had just used to shoot the man.

"Dad...?" said Jack again a bit more apprehensive.

"I tolchoo a hundred timessssboy. Don'choo call… me yer dad!" slurred the pirate staggering towards his son.

Jack frowned, "Well I forgot. I'm sorry."

"Ahhh ne-neverrrrr mine boy. Come on. I needa drank," Jack watched as his father took off, hobbling through the doors of a rowdy pub.

The pirate quickly took off after his father, into the salty tavern, to discuss… the Fountain.

After acquiring the drink both men had thirsted for, they found a table away from the rowdiness of the rest of the pub.

"So, I heard th' rumor, Jackie."

Jack's ears perked, "Aye? Wait... which rumor, exactly?"

"Th' one about the blasted fountain! You remember what I tol'choo about livin' forever... right?"

Jack thought for a second, "You mean about how shit it would be, right?"

"No."

"Oh. Uh, what then?"

Captain Teague sat back in his seat, "Le' me see... it-it's not about livin' forever... it's about... screwing salty wenches forever!"

Jack frowned, "Are you feeling alright, dad?"

Teague lunged toward Jack like a crazed jungle cat, "Don't choo call me that, boiii!" he said in more of a low growl than anything else.

Jack raised his hands, "I'm sorry, I forgot again!"

Teague dat back in his chair, seeming to be drained from his burst of energy, "Boy, we mus' keep in canon. I- I hate you. I may n'ver give a reason but I don't need to. I wonder if s'even possible for a father to detest his son the way I des... desi... Desi Arnaz... desi-spise... despise you."

Jack frowned, "If you don't like me so much, why did you save me today? How did you even know where I was?"

"Sea turtles, mate," said the old man with a shrug.

"Yeah, we've sort of already used that line to death," Jack said with out barley letting his father complete his sentence.

*Writers* we're sorry, we didn't know that _comedy gold_ had an expiration date.

*Jack* it wouldn't if we didn't use a hundred bloody times!

Teague shook his head," Oh, no, no, no, son! I was just tellin' the waitress what I was to be haven to eat."

Jack turned to see a modernized waitress standing next to him with a pad of paper.

"So, you'd like the Sea Turtles that have been literally beaten to death?"

Taegue nodded with a smirk, That's be it, tootz."

The waitress left with an annoyed sigh.

Jack looked back to his father, "Shitty service. Okay. Back to the thing. How did you know I'd be here?"

Teague thought for a long moment before thrusting a finger in the air, "... narwhals, comprendé?"

"Is this over yet?" asked Jack praying the dragged out scene would just end.

*Audience* So no one is enjoying this scene? Should have freaking saw Thor...

*Thor* These pirates swashbucklers are no match for my mighty hammer!

"Wait, le'me jus' leave you with this thought right 'ere; the fountain will test you," stated Teague, finally deciding to make a point that is relevant to the movie.

Jack, then becoming interested for the first time since they sat down had an array of questions, "Test me? How do you know? You've been there haven't you! That's the reason you won't bloody die..."

"Shut up ye 'alf wit! I ain't n'ver been there. Bleedin' Christ. The fountain will test choo in_ sooooo_ many- I mean like at least three different ways. Three really, bloody hard ways."

"And," said Jack hoping he would continue for once, "those ways are...?"

"Narwhals... comprendé? A grouping of them, saddled like Arabian horses...

"That seriously doesn't make a _lick_ of sense."

"You're right," admitted the Keeper of the Code, "too wordy."

Just then, Jack was reminded of what he had shoved hastily in his mouth a few minutes before hand. And, also just then, the authoress regretted the wording of that sentence.

Teague's expression remained unchanged as he looked to its glossy surface presented on the table.

"I'm not certain, but I believe this is connected to the fountain. What have you heard of what some call, "the Diablo's pleasure...?"

Jack locked eye contact with his father as Teague casually took a sip of his drink, "I don't know what you're talking about, those books were bloody brilliant," he stated rather quickly, just loud enough for his son to hear.

Jack gaped to his dad, "Are you... joking me. There's no way. You _read_ those things?"

"Hey!" exclaimed the pirate hushing Jack, "We all 'ave our regrets'n life. I was young. Somet'ing bout those books... really captured me. Ye know wha I mean?"

"This is bloody ridiculous!" yelled Jack in frustration, "You appear to be all knowing, what with your curious entrances and strange disappearing acts in the middle of conversations. It's like you're a bloody witch! Yet, through all these years, the best advice you've given me is when you hang the sign that says, "when the cabin's a rockin, don't come a knockin," don't enter your cabin."

Teague made a weak smirk, "Right. That's golden advice there Jackie."

"Doesn't matter," Jack said reaching for his drink, "the point is, throughout all of our random meetings, your cryptic messages leave me more confused than..." as Jack looked up he realized that he was talking to an empty chair, and that his father had vanished.

"YOU BLOODY WITCH!" Jack cried standing up getting more than a couple of glances, "I swear on me beloved Pearl that this is WITCHCRAFT!"

"Wut are ye goin on about now Jackie?" questioned Teague as he appeared from underneath the table and made his way back to where he was sitting.

"Oh, dad?" questioned Jack taking his seat once more, "Where- what were you doing under there?"

"Dropped me bloody keys," he laughed under his breath, "wha would I do wit'out them? Anyways, what were you saying?"

Jack starred at him blankly, "I wasn't saying anything da- I mean Teague."

"Nothing? So... can I go now? You don mine do ye? I got this thing I shou'd be gettin' to..."

"No. Just leave. I should be getting to other tasks as well," said Jack beginning to search the room for signs of a man recruiting sailors.

"Actually, if you don't mind telling me what I would be needing exactly to fine the Fount-" Jack glanced back to where his father had been sitting to only see an empty chair.

He casually looked back to he crowd around the tavern, "I ain't even bothered," he said before another sip of grog.


	3. Ch 3

**A/N:** New chap! Also thought I'd mention I made some slight edits to previous chapters. I don't know why I don't update this more...

* * *

><p>But, something was about to bother him. As he sat there, suddenly alone, he focused on the annoyingly jolly music playing in the background.<p>

He searched the room to see a slightly overweight, scruffy looking lad playing a banjo or something of it's Old London equivalence to a woman sitting next to him on the stairs.

Seeing that Jack was in search for the one impersonating him, and that he hated overweight, scruffy, jolly, ye old banjo players - he grabbed his dagger and snuck up behind the unsuspecting man.

He pulled his back close against his chest all to make certain he had the man's undivided attention.

"Your infernal music is driving me mad," said Jack in a growl into the man's ear.

Ye Old Banjo Player gulped, "Awful rash way to come onto a man, donchya think mate?"

Jack let him go, "Don't get smart with me, son."

"Beg your pardon, sir. I ain't angry with ye! I be loved for me musical talents."

Jack smiled sweetly then, too sweetly, "Oh really, how interesting. What be your name boy?"

The man smiled, "It'd by me pleasure. The name's Scr-"

"I DON'T CARE!" Jack exclaimed touching the blade to the man's throat, "Now. Where be the bloody doppelganger?"

"Dopple who?" asked the man shooting a confused expression over his shoulder to Jack. "I know everyone in 'ere, and I ain't never herd of a mister Ganger..."

Jack bit is lip to keep from stabbing the man repeatedly in the throat, "I'm speaking of the man looking for a crew," he said each word with as much emphasis as possible.

"Oh!" gasped the player, "You mean Captain Jack Sparrow!"

Jack dropped the dagger from the man's throat, "No! Wrong! I'm – well don't you recognize me?"

Jack was accidently mistaking the 1700s as a time where wanted criminals would be accurately identifies. As if the technology existed to relay the information of his appearance across oceans.

Common mistake.

Jack walked in front of the man, who immediately started to laugh, "Ha! Is this some kind of joke!

You're dressed just like 'im!"

… Forgot the above comment.

"That's because I am him. I am Captain Jack Sparrow."

"No you ain't. I just saw Capt'n Sparrow – you certainly are not him!"

Jack rolled his eyes, "I _am_ him!"

The man laughed again, "No. You ain't him."

This went on for an embarrassingly long time until Jack realized her could give a shit.

He looked away from Ye Old Banjo Player rolling his eyes. "What be your name?" he questioned rather uninterested.

"You mean for real this time?"

"Sure," Jack said without a hint of enthusiasm.

"Well, it's Scrum!"

"Scrum?"

"Scrum."

"Bloody hell I liked Ye Old Banjo Player better."

"Well it's a nickname. It's got a clever story behind it too!"

Sadly it is on the audience will never hear this 'clever story'.

*Audience* How will we be able to continued with our lives?

This was due to the fact that Jack caught glimpse of a familiar shadow splaying across the wall behind a crowded bar.

"See you around… or whatever," grunted Jack before walking away from Scrum and to a back room where the shadow had seemed to appear from.

As Jack walked by the bar he got many a glances from the men enjoying a mug of grog. He also acquired a few winks, countless obscene hollers and catcalls, one slap in the face from an orange haired lad, three peculiar hand gestures, and a total of eight ass grabs.

"Odd," he stated after making it through the crowd and to the entrance of the stock room.

There, in the back room Jack had cornered his Doppelganger.

Without a fuss.

Without any actual effort.

The smaller figure gazed to Jack from the other side of the room. His expression was hidden by convenient, yet eerie, shadows.

"You made this far too easy Doppelganger," Jack pulled out his sword and waved it about in front of himself, "It's almost as if you planned this… like a trick… like a ploy… like a ruse… like a—"

He frowned then, coming to the realization a bit late.

"Wait, this isn't a trap. Is it?"

The figure vanished behind a pillar swift and graceful as the prima ballerina.

"Hey, couldn't we do the whole mirror bit first? I'm absolutely positive the audience is craving—"

*Audience* NO.

"Fine," cried Jack, "Let's just do a sword fight. Nobodies f-cking sick of those things yet."

Jack skillfully chased his opponent around the pillar for a solid five minutes before the doppelganger turned the other way and confused him.

They were face to face, staring at each other. Oh but the convenient shadows were still menacingly cast across his face.

"You know what you're doing. I'll give you that."

The look-a-like darted to the side and their thrilling fight continued! The doppelganger ran up a ramp, Jack followed closely behind. Then—

*Audience* Look. We're just going to fast forward through this part when we inevitably buy this crap on ITunes. Can you just skip to the next part?

*Movie* Is magically fast forwarded. The pair jump around at hyper speed. Jack is seen deflecting a blow with a nearby goat. The look-a-like seems impressed.

*Writers* We were legally obligated to make mention of this.

*Audience* Somehow this is worse. Just stop it now.

*Movie* Abruptly goes to normal speed.

-and I don't care if it takes fifteen goats I will beat you!" proclaimed Jack midsentence running from the clone.

The pair then, wildly trying to catch their breath after the unbelievably fight that was choreographed to perfection, met in the center of the room, swords locked.

Jack heaved, but took a moment to make a wicked smirk.

"I may not have seen your face but I could recognize that fine ass anywhere."

And then, without any warning on the copy's side, Jack kissed his dueler.

After a short moment he pulled away, "I only know one person who can do that. Hello Ange—"

"Hello Jack!" exclaimed Will Turner ripping off the dreadlocks and tri-corner hat.

Jack's mouth gaped open to the ever jovial lad.

*Certain!Fangirls* never had a chance to see the end of this movie… or the rest of their young lives.

"I've made a huge mistake," Jack finally muttered starring off to no where in particular.

"I'd say," cam a sultry woman's sexay sexay Spanish accent as she sauntered into the camera's view.

She smiled knowingly to the still distraught Sparrow, "Hello Jack."

Jack shut his mouth and nodded, "Hello Angelica."

The three stood in silence until Scrum jumped between them, "Hey mates, I was just inspired by this electrifying moment. I wrote a new song!"

Jack's eyes were glued to the floor as the man began to strum his banjo-thing to the tune of Jimmy Crack Corn.

"I just kissed a man and I was unaware! I just kissed a man, glad I wore underwear! OHH! I just—"

"SCRUM," snapped Angelica, "Not. Now."

Scrum quietly disappeared into the background and the attention was re-cast onto the trio.

Angelica twirled to face Jack, her long brown curls sweeping across her petite shoulders, her thick makeup covering any sun damage or age spots.

"HA!" she proclaimed, "I knew you would fall for my trick. It was my idea to impersonate you, si! But, of course I knew it would be comical to attempt it myself, what with my bountiful chest and obvious hips," she took the moment to whip her hair back and stare devilishly into the camera. "No! I needed someone else, a man, who knew you well."

Jack glanced between Angelica and Will. "Um. Okay. But what is the whelp, eunuch-y snip snip, doing here?"

"Glad you asked, Jack! I'm here to—"

"Don't talk," said Angelica stepping in front of Will, "His importance matters little."

"Tell me something I don't know – but he's the Captain of the Flying Dutchman!" Jack turned his sight back to the son of Bootstrap Bill. "Your heart is in that chest. You can't be here on land!"

"What?" laughed Will, "Didn't you hear the good news?"

"William, I am afraid you are making the ever common mistake of believing we are from, say, the twenty-first century. I haven't heard from you in however long it has been since At Worlds End."

"Well Jack, the crew said I could go!"

Jack clasped his hands together, "What on God's green earth do you mean?"

"I don't know! They were all so nice about it though. They said to me; "Will, you've done good here but we all think it's time that you… go!" So I did," exclaimed Will.

"William," said Jack grabbing Will's shoulders, "You need to return. The Dutchman _needs_ a Captain! Like Davey Jones before you and whoever came before him. Who knows what could be un-done from this horrendous overlook! The very fabric of time could be unraveled! The oceans could go dry. The whole world could—"

*Authoress* would like to take a moment to note the passing of The Monkees singer Davey Jones today. She knows of existence by his picture always coming up for when she image searched for Captain Davey Jones. Do not ask her why she was image searching for said character.

Angelica rolled her eyes, "ENOUGH!" she screeched. "I could not care less about plot holes and previous character arches. This is about _me_!"

Jack nodded, "Okay, love. But Will, I have one last question; does that kinky little murderous wife of yours know?"

Will blinked, his smile dropping. He caught off guard by Jack's point blank, shock worthy, question.

"Uhhh… I'd figured I'd wait that one out. Besides, I left her on some dismal little island. Whose there to mess around with? A merman? She's fine! She _likes_ it there! It's _all_ good."

Will continued to laugh for an awkward moment before clearing his throat and muttering; "That whore will rote there."

Then, in charged the Royal Navy following a screaming Scrum who darted behind the group nervously playing his instrument.

"I just kissed a man and I swear, I didn't lead the royal navy into kill us all—"

"SHUTUP!" Shouted the group in unison except for Will.

"Guys, would this be a bad time to ask for Mermen are _real_?"


End file.
